


How Do I Feel This Good Sober?

by thaxatos



Series: Inspired by Songs [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Depression, Drug Abuse, Heavy Angst, Heroin, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Relapsing, people this is really dark, read if you are a masochist, this is no fun my friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 19:36:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13981893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thaxatos/pseuds/thaxatos
Summary: Tooru doesn't want to be the one who laughs the loudest, or the one who never wants to be alone.Unfortunately, he's both.He's not scared of the dark, or dolls or clowns or something like this. He's scared of the quiet, because it screams the truth. It will scream until he can't bear his regrets anymore, until he's back on the ground with nothing at all except for darkness in his mind that has been there ever since. It's been clinging to him over the years.The only way to make it go away for at least a little is to get above of everything.It's funny how all of this contradicts.Even though he gets so high he can kiss the moon, in the end he will be buried six feet deep.But there is a silver lining.





	1. And You Could Have It All, My Empire Of Dirt

**Author's Note:**

> Yo.  
> First of all, if you're sensible for such content, think twice before reading. I'm not here to break hearts forever, just temporary. 
> 
> Anyways, have fun? (I don't think that's possible) 
> 
> Song: [Hurt](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt1Pwfnh5pc) by Johnny Cash

The familiar sting of a needle reaching into his veins rips him out of his trance. He can feel the heroin mingling with his blood.

It hurts, but only momentarily. The pain is followed by the celestial feeling of a paradoxon. Of being free from everything, but also being chained to something, of being bound only to the sky.

An all too familiar smell crawls up his nose and the feeling of safe arms is all around him. It’s a mere whisper in the darkness of the room, but it’s enough to feel pleased. To remember.

He feels it, feels everything. He can still feel. That’s a good sign.

Tooru has been trying to get clean in vain. He tried to focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real in his life. But that only hurt even more. He only managed one day like that.

The familiar shining of black hair in the sun, the smell of forests and citrus throw him back into a pit splayed out with flowers, the most tempting smell clinging to them, with no exit.

Why is he back?

His eyes roll back, all the tension leaves his body and he slumps against the cushions of his old couch. The couch that experienced each of his breakdowns.

Tooru wants to forget, to kill it all away. But he remembers everything far too vividly.

He remembers the broken gaze in glassy green eyes, the trembling of hands and the broken sounds whispered into cold night air.

It’s his own fault. He left, but he thought he would get better on his own, get better without seeing his love with someone else every day. He thought he could overcome his love, leave it. But he couldn’t do anything against the ravenishing ache in his very soul.

Warm feelings course over his bones and he feels safety in his heart. The poison crawls through his veins and carries it through his limbs.

Thank god he doesn’t have to work tomorrow.  
His boss has not once noticed it, or at least he didn’t say anything. Tooru tries his hardest not to be obvious. But if people only watched closely, they would notice.

Notice the glassy eyes, the shaking fingers, the twitching leg, the constant scratching, the strain and cracks in his voice, the lifelessness of his aura.

Pictures flash by in front of his eyes. Pictures of carefree times when he was good without being high. Now he’s lying on the cold, hard ground, not able to get up again. And he doesn’t even want to.

There has been enough trying. Enough failing.

What has he become?

His sweetest friend is poison which can’t let go, because everyone he knows goes away in the end, even himself.

He lost himself a long time ago. The person in the mirror isn’t him, the person with the dull, empty eyes isn’t him.

Everyone goes away in the end.

No. That’s wrong. Tooru went away, but Hajime never searched for him in five years.

Why is he back?

Tooru doesn’t think he would be strong enough to withstand him if they met. He desperately wants to. Hajime could have all of him, but he deserves better than an empire of dirt.

Tooru would let him down, make him hurt as much as he does himself.

But this damned scent is always lingering in his nose, infiltrating his systems and stopping his mechanics on the spot. It makes him paranoid. Everytime the scent is back he frantically searches for its source with his heartbeat rushing in his ears.

On one side he wants to run away as fast as he can, and on the other he wants to search for the source and embrace the scent that always got him higher than any drug ever could.

He hurt Hajime.

But hurting him once is better than hurting him everyday for the rest of his life, right?

By telling Hajime that he would move after graduation to study, but didn’t tell him where to, hurt Hajime deeply. He knows by the way his eyes flickered from left to right, just trying to avoid his gaze, by the way his smile cracked, by the way he couldn’t do anything else than walk away.

Tooru hasn’t spoken to him since then. And it’s been five years. It’s too late to go back to normal now.

He lied. He didn’t move to study, he moved to get away from Hajime and the everpresent coaxing feeling in his aching chest and now he wears this crown of thorns upon a liar’s chair. Left and lonely.

Out of view, out of mind, right?

Wrong. He learned that the hard way.

Even without Hajime constantly beside him, he caught himself thinking about him more than often. His feelings didn’t disappear and he didn’t let anyone close to him, because this place in his heart would forever be reserved.

But Tooru got tired of always thinking through the same thing. The same damned questions were always in the back of his mind.

What if he stayed? What if he told him? What if Hajime did love him? What if, what if, what if. It drove him crazy and drained his body, so he filled it with sweet drugs.

It’s not Hajime’s fault that he does it. He has done it even before realizing he’s trapped in a one sided love affair. With a pitch black mind you cling to everything that can bring in a little color.

He’s full of broken thoughts which are beyond repair.

Tooru feels the chemicals kicking in full force now, the world starts to rotate like a helicopter blade. Every part of him becomes crashed by the weight of gravity, breathing starts to take effort and he has to flex every muscle in his body and use every ounce of strength to just keep his lungs going.

He moves his arm, wants to scratch his cheeks, but movements become strained and almost painful.

It hurts too keep his eyes open, it hurts in places he didn’t even know existed.

Blood rushes from his brain, making it impossible to think rationally or focus. His eyes are drained and tunnel vision starts to develop, everything goes greyscale. It’s like he has had too much to drink.

He can feel tugging and pulling on his heart, can feel it struggling to breath. It’s like a hummingbird fighting against a storm.

The feeling becomes similar to sadness and he passes out.

There is no beat, no melody as he silently slips into a sleep where his brain is lagging so much, he can’t even grasp his dreams.

It’s good like that.

Tooru is stirred awake by the sound of something hitting wood constantly. Are his neighbours pushing their furniture around again?

He groans and rubs his head. The knocking doesn’t stop and his head and eyes burn.

He’s disoriented, doesn’t know where he is. In his mind he is still back at home, still in high school, still far away from yellow liquid, white powder and sleep-well-pills.

Then he realizes the knocking isn’t coming from above him, but from beside him, from his door.

After being isolated for so long and not letting anyone into his life, he really has no clue who the hell that could be. Maybe a neighbour asking for milk or something.

Does he even have neighbours?

Mechanically, he moves his limbs and wanks to the door, trying to hold onto the wall.

His head is spinning, everything is distorted. Or is that a constant thing?

The first thing he sees when opening, are the same piercing eyes that have been haunting him for five years.

Tooru grasps the frame of the door, thinking his heart just stopped.

He smashes the door close again, but Hajime pushes his foot in between, he already knew Tooru’s reaction.

“Go away,” he calmly says, trying to sound indifferent, but it doesn’t seem to work. His head is still hazy and his voice sounds strained and teary. He tries to push the door close.

But it backfires, instead of the door being closed it’s being forcefully opened. Damned drugs, draining him off his strength. In the beginning, Tooru didn’t even notice the difference until he stumbled back and heard the door crashing close again.

Hajime stands in front of him, a wildfire burning in his eyes. He is just gasping like a fish on land, trying to find words. It’s as if he hadn’t even expected to see him, as if he had just stumbled in here by accident. Tooru knows he acts on instinct more than often.

Tooru doesn’t know what to say either. He knows, that if Hajime asked to be a part of his life again as a friend, he would agree without batting a lash, even though he knows it would push him into a pitch black pit again.

“So, here is where you have been hiding for five years?” Hajime asks while letting his gaze wander around the neatly cleaned room that leaves no suspicions for a drug addicted living here.

It would look different if Tooru had to clean up himself. Depression mixed with a drug addiction doesn’t leave enough space for cleaning.

But a facade is everything. If it doesn’t look like it, it’s not true.

Tooru nods, staring at his feet as he tries to hide his punctured armlet behind his back.

“Why did you leave? And I want the truth,” Hajime states in a stern voice, clasping Tooru’s shoulder to draw his attention back to him.

Tooru expected an entirely different reason and still isn’t surprised by it. Is he happy right now or not? Drugs don’t seem to help against emotional numbness.

His mind is running 100mph. Should he tell him? After five years the truth won’t matter, right? And maybe Hajime would leave him alone then. Maybe that’s the only way he can get his feelings to disappear.

“I ran away from you,” is all he states, unbugingly looking into Hajime’s eyes, or rather the space between them.

Dumbfounded, Hajime takes a step back, still trying to look for the right words. His eyes flash back and forth. He searches his memory for things that could have hurt Tooru while wringing his hands.

“What?” he whispers.

“You really didn’t get it. I’m in love with you! And it hurt everyday to have you around me without having you and because you are dense as a brick wall and didn’t get anything! I wasn't that subtle. Even Matsukawa knew!” it all spills out like kerosene on a flame of doubt.

“You are in love with me? As in, still?”

Tooru feels like his eyeballs will pop out of their socks as he stares at Hajime wide eyed. Did he really phrase it like that? Oh damn.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

Oh. Maybe because we were best friends and you aren’t into me and I would have fucked our friendship up either way? Maybe because being turned down would have hurt even more?

Hajime’s gaze wanders around until it sticks to the coffee table in the living room. His features twist into an unreadable grimace and his whole body bucks in.

Tooru follows his gaze and catches what got Hajime out of his posture. He has forgotten to put his stuff away. He didn’t have time.

Pearls of sweat start to gather on his forehead as he tries to think of excuses. But there are none. It’s just him being a mess.

He wants to open his mouth, explain it, but just as words start to creep out of his mouth Hajime’s hand is gripping his left upper arm, twisting it so he can see his armlet. The touch burns down to Tooru’s bones.

“Again?”

It’s only a hushed whisper that couldn’t have been heard through the wind, but Tooru has never heard so much shattering glass in such a small whispered word. And he is sure if he speaks now, he will sound just the same. So he swallows it and shuts his eyes tightly despite having the desire to smile coyly and just say “old habits die hard”.

“Why did you do that?” Hajime is raising his voice as the dam behind his eyes breaks.

Tooru knows he’s blaming himself.

“Don’t you dare think this is your fault. You did nothing. I did this myself,” he states with a little more bite behind his words than intended while ripping his arm out of Hajime’s grip which has started to constantly loosen.

“That’s the fucking problem! I did nothing! Again!”

All anger dies down in his chest. Never would he blame Hajime for this.

Tooru wants to calm him down. Wants to reach out for him, but Hajime turns away from him as if he’s afraid of burning himself. So Tooru backs off again, wrapping his arms around himself.

“You did nothing wrong. It’s me. It’s always been me. I’m a mess. I have everything and I’m still not happy, I push everyone away and wonder why I’m lonely. I think I don’t want it any other way,” he lowers his voice, watching his hands clench as he spits the last words out, “when you take the sick away, who am I supposed to be?”

Hajime takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He then steps forward and takes Tooru’s hands.

Tooru is sure Hajime’s hands are on fire and he has to resist jerking them back.

“Tooru, you know that I love you. I have always loved you. The reason why I haven’t searched for you was because in all the years I spent with you, I realized that I should trust you. And when you wanted to go, I let you,” Hajime rubs circles into the back of his bony hands, staring at him directly and Tooru feels like breaking under his gaze and eerily steady voice, “but it was hard. I left you alone for as long as I could bear. Please, don’t push me away again. We got this.”

Hajime’s shattered smile causes Tooru to really break and he crashes into the figure in front of him, holding back screams that built in the back of his throat.

Hajime combs through his hair with a steady hand, pressing butterfly kisses to the crown of his head and Tooru realizes one thing: Hajime is someone else and he is still the same he was years ago. He still needs chemical substances in the roads of his blood to feel good. He moves closer to Hajime.

“We got this, I’m here for you. You won’t hurt me,” he reassures Tooru.

If Tooru could start again, a million miles away, he would keep himself, he would find a way. 


	2. Hiding From The Truth Won't Make This All Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today hasn’t started well. Tooru already woke up down without any trace of motivation. Like a flytrap he would snap at Hajime if he came too close. Hajime just treats him like everyday then, showing him that it’s ok, normal. Tooru mostly leaves the house with a smile on his lips, but today he just threw the door shut and ran off to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: [Leave A Light On](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqnkBdExjws) by Tom Walker

Hajime dials the too familiar number, like everyday. Everyday he dials it at least five times. This is the eighth time.

Hajime has been back for two months now and Tooru still has bad days. Hajime didn’t expect anything different. Love won’t cure you from things like that. 

These days are unpredictable, there is no pattern behind their occurence, so Hajime calls him a few times during the day. 

Both of them are mostly at work, but Hajime is sure it lifts Tooru’s spirit if he can talk to him for a few minutes, even if he isn't having a bad day. Just to reassure Tooru that he’s still there. 

Today hasn’t started well. Tooru already woke up down without any trace of motivation. Like a flytrap he would snap at Hajime if he came too close. Hajime just treats him like everyday then, showing him that it’s ok, normal. Tooru mostly leaves the house with a smile on his lips, but today he just threw the door shut and ran off to work.

Ten minutes ago Matsukawa called Hajime, informing him that Tooru left work earlier today and the second he mentioned Tooru is all alone Hajime could feel the trouble coursing through his veins. Since then he’s been trying to reach Tooru in vain.

Matsukawa said he left an hour ago and Hajime couldn’t control himself, he snapped at him for informing him that late. He has to apologize sooner or later.

Hajime excuses himself from work the ninth time Tooru still doesn’t pick up and sprints home. Thank god his apartment is only ten minutes away.

Just a phone call left unanswered had him sparking up. That’s all it takes for Hajime to worry.

After five minutes he reaches the white door leading into the apartment and he storms in after fumbling with his keys.

There is no presence in the whole apartment, Hajime would feel it if he were there so he runs out again. 

He tries to remember the places Tooru told him about, the places where he goes to when he tries to stay away from the urges. 

Without a plan he starts wandering down the street, cigarette after cigarette falling on the concrete, but they won’t stop him from wondering where Tooru is.

Don’t let go, keep a hold, are the only words that are coursing through his head with the speed of light, hammering against his skull.

He stops dead in his tracks as he sees it: In front of him the sea stretches out towards the horizon and beyond and Hajime remembers. 

He runs along the sidewalk, passes through crowds of people with hastily murmured apologies. White noise fills his head and everything sounds shallow, as if he’s underwater. Cold pearls of sweat start to gather on his forehead and anticipation threads to let his nerves detonate. He has no idea where to look if Tooru isn’t here.

He follows the broad wooden footbridge along the shore. Hajime slows down as the salty breeze washes over him. He forgot his jacket at work. 

Seagulls are screaming in the distance, the sounds mingling with the noises of the crashing waves.

Hajime spots a hunched figure on a bench, throwing breadcrumbs on the path where seagulls fight over their food. 

Tooru would never not feed them. He would be sorry for them. 

Hajime releases a breath he’s trapped inside his lungs and walks towards him. Relief is burning behind his eyes, in his lungs. He lets his breaths even out and sits down beside him without a word.

A part of him wants to just pick Tooru up and throw him into the water. But Hajime decides against it. 

Tooru doesn’t say a word either, he keeps staring at the birds at his feet, skimming around and happily eating their bread. 

“I’ve come here because you always told me if I look into the distance there will be a house upon the hill, guiding me like a lighthouse to a place where I’ll be safe to feel at grace, ‘cause we’ve all made mistakes. You can see the lighthouse from here,” Tooru looks over to said lighthouse, squinting his eyes against the evening sun. 

Instead of following his gaze, Hajime stares at Tooru, at the way the wind softly combs through his hair, at the way he scrunches his face up and comes to the conclusion he would eventually be lost without him. Hajime couldn’t bear losing him another time. 

Hajime will leave a light on for him.

“Tell me, what’s been happening, what’s been on your mind.” 

Tooru still doesn’t look at him. 

“Nothing. Nothing ever happened except for the fact that I’m not good enough.” He shares a broken smile with the sun and Hajime immediately wants to interfere and tell him that yes, he is good enough. But he knows it would be no use. It’s like talking to a brick wall. So he just slings his arm around Tooru and draws him into his arms. 

The last years Tooru has been searching for a darker place to hide, which is alright, but if he carries on abusing he’ll be robbed from the world. 

Hajime tightens his half embrace, pulling him in even closer. He can’t think about this actively. He’s constantly afraid Tooru will harm himself again, or worse, OD. He has to keep his tears away, only thinking about it is ripping him apart. 

“Hajime, I can’t breath,” Tooru pipes up.

“I’m sorry,” he answers with a watered down voice, loosening his death grip around Tooru. 

Hajime refuses to lose another loved one to drugs.

“Just come home, don’t let go. I’m proud of you for not relapsing,” he says while planting a kiss onto the top of Tooru’s head, “and I’ll always be here if you’ve lost your way.”

Hajime needs him to be brave right now.

Tooru always tries his hardest for perfection and he knows he has a problem, but he hides behind that very same problem.

Hajime needs him to finally understand that hiding from the truth won’t make this all okay.


	3. Where Went That Billion Dollar Smile?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime was convinced they are generally good, that he was good besides Tooru’s everpresent deep sadness, but maybe he doesn’t understand depression as much as he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: [Agnes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhdtdUljThU) by Glass Animals

Why didn’t he just stop and thinks for a minute? Why didn’t he just light that cigarette? 

Blue and red lights flash through the window of the living room, dipping the furniture in burning shades of ice and cold shades of fire repeatedly. 

Hajime is still clasping Tooru’s shoulders, tears streaming down his face as he desperately babbles on and on. 

“Don’t you dare let go, don’t you dare leave again. You will make it through this, we got this.” 

His voice hitches and eloquent noises pass his lips as he watches Tooru’s eyelids flutter like butterfly wings constantly, watches him drift into consciousness and out again. His whole body is shaking and spasming and Hajime feels so useless.

There is still hope, as Hajime can feel him clasp his wrist with ice cold hands. But the grip loosens with every shallow breath Tooru takes. There’s foam starting to form in front of his mouth and suddenly there’s a hand on his back, violently pulling him up and away.

Hajime’s too drained to fight against it, so he lets his body be shoved away.

Why didn’t he just stop and breath for a second? Why didn’t he just go back to the very beginning? 

Hajime was convinced they are generally good, that he was good besides Tooru’s everpresent deep sadness, but maybe he doesn’t understand depression as much as he thought. 

He saw Tooru smile more often, real smiles where dimples started to form on the edges of his mouth and a fire behind his eyes lit up his whole features.

Hajime doesn’t wants to lose that smile, he want to wake up to it every day for the rest of his life.

Hajime still remembers the beginning of this hell ride, the first time he caught him popping Percocet, the first time he caught him smoking. 

He thought it had reasons, smoking for clearing the head, but he had been so wrong. It took weeks for Tooru to tell him about his state of mind. 

Hajime never even spared a thought to leaving him behind. 

A face he’s never seen before appears in front of him, he can see their lips moving, but he just stares at the paramedics kneeling beside Tooru. He wants to scream at them to hurry up, to do something, but his mouth is sewn shut and he just stands and stares rooted to the place.

He watches them maneuver Tooru onto a stretcher, carrying him out. He ignores the paramedic in front of him and blindly follows Tooru. 

Now that he thinks about it, he noticed him getting worse, he just wasn’t able to point the signs out from the beginning. 

He noticed Tooru running around with a head seemingly numb, trying to hide nervous breaths between the motions. Noticed his trembling tender little sighs and how he choked his feelings back.

Hajime just wanted to hold him like he was his, but Tooru gave himself away already. 

He feels useless. Is this his fault? Why didn’t he just stay with him? There was no need to go grocery shopping today. 

His head is woozy, there is nothing to be heard aside from white noises in his head. He starts to see through a tunnel vision, his brain lacking the energy to follow his gaze, everything lags.

Tooru always saw the sad in everything and despite him hating geniuses, he was one himself. A genius of love and loneliness. 

This time, he overdid the liquor, this time he pulled the fucking trigger. 

These days he was rolling all the time, so low so he kept getting high and no one could have stopped him. Not even Tooru could stop himself. 

Someone pushes him into the ambulance and he sits down beside Tooru and watches him closely. Watches the deep creases in his skin smoothen out, watches his breaths evening out, watches him open his eyes again. 

His eyes are glazed over and if Hajime didn’t knew, he would think he was blind.

He can hear the paramedics scream at each other through a thick wall, can smell the sanitary scent of disinfectant. 

Hajime takes Tooru’s hand and tightens his grip as Tooru smiles hazily his eyes fluttering shut. 

Hesitantly, he bows down to peck Tooru on the lips and they are as cold as Hajime’s currently feeling. Every bone in his body is trembling to its own beat and Hajime doesn’t know if it’s because of the cold or the pure fright. 

Where went that cheeky friend of his? Where went that billion dollar smile? 

He wants to speak, wants to tell him that everything will be ok, but before the ambulance can take off, there is another high pitched sound ringing through the vehicle, breaking through every process, through all the noise, and the grip of Tooru’s oh so cold hand losens.

The world stops turning for a moment and no one in the twenty-one square meter vehicle dares to move a muscle. 

Flatline, death by overdose. 

Hajime doesn’t know if Tooru wanted it to end like this, doesn’t know if it was an accident, but the last smile he gave him spoke volumes. It’s been one Hajime hasn’t seen in such a long time. It was peaceful.

Hajime guesses life is long when soaked in sadness on borrowed time from Mr. Madness.   
It’s been two months and Tooru’s gone but on Hajime’s mind, Hajime’s lost and doesn’t know why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: My english teacher corrected this whole thing and I'm still laughing about it. 
> 
> Don't be an asshole, like me, and leave Kudos/a comment. This shit is still work. 
> 
> I hope I didn't broke anyone of you and if I did, give me your address, I will send you flowers. 
> 
> Thanks for reading~. ♥


End file.
